my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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