They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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