I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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