JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
