I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
