that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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