So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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