He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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