I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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