I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Randomize
