i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
