My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
