but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
