She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
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he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
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You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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