Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
