The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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