If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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