I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
