Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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