Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
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My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
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He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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