She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
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How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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