Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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