woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
