Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
