In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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