I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Actions speak louder than pants.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
