I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
