so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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