i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
