We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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