can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
