Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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