i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
