i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
