I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
