Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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