I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
