I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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