I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
