one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
