You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
