Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
