I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am midnight drunk by noon
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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