Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
