i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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