I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
