I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
