Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
