Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
