my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
