she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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