woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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