Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize