drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
