no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Mom said you looked used
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
